


Something in my Heart

by HatakesTaco



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Kuroo Tetsurou, Abusive Relationships, Anal Sex, Crying, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Painful Sex, Physical Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Depression, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sad Tsukishima Kei, Third Gym (Haikyuu!!)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:07:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27725921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HatakesTaco/pseuds/HatakesTaco
Summary: Kei Tsukishima has asked for nothing more than love in his life. They saw him as a tough guy with a shitty personality. But they also found him loving in some way. Kei warmed up to them, loved, and cared for them. He...He tried very hard. To smile sincerely, and match their energy. To be accepted, and to be missed when he was away. To feel...Kei Tsukishima was an adult, he could handle himself, right? So...why did he do it? Why does he cry at night? Longing for an escape...Tired, and in pain. He wanted happiness, so why did he...hurt? Why? Did he have to scream out in pain every day? Where's the break...
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Sawamura Daichi/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 5
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not meant to be a happy one, and I'm sorry if you disapprove of it. But, if you do find yourself drawn in, then please enjoy! And thank you for reading. 
> 
> T.W:// Abuse, rape, mentions of blood, mentions of suicide, physical abuse, mental abuse.

His name was Kei Tsukishima, male, soon to be twenty-two years old. He was a beautiful being, though people never knew the real him. But even Kei didn't know the real parts of himself. The feelings buried deep within himself still unknown. Kei was lost at times. People glanced at him, wondering why he was so tall, or even if he were single, gay or straight, things the normal human mind would wander. But Kei wanted to know...how much would someone have to hurt him? Until he breaks... Kei's mind imagined a lot of things, and he just couldn't understand why he'd have thoughts of such...violence. He'd see himself jumping off the roof of buildings, cutting his beautiful skin. Making himself bleed. To die, over and over again. Kei felt low at times like that, he'd sit alone, scratching his arm until he bled. He liked the pain, it felt good to feel but he also hated it. Afterward, he'd cry. But why? Kei would feel the sadness drooping over him like a warm blanket. He used to miss school days and sit alone by himself. His brother was concerned but never said anything. Never helped...

Some days, Kei didn't have the strength to move. He felt weak and tired. Sometimes, Kei couldn't even shower properly without breaking down underneath the water... At times Kei felt sick and uncomfortable. He just...wasn't the same. He'd get mad when he couldn't play at the volleyball games due to his emotions being too strong. He'd break down and cry. His friends were concerned, but no one ever said a word to him about it. Kei wanted someone, to help him! He needed someone- something. Anything, anyone...To be there. He didn't understand what was going on. His body was changing, Kei started to become more distant. He quit the volleyball team, stopped coming to school. His mother was concerned, his brother was saddened at the changes. And everyone else..confused. Kei found himself drawn to these emotions. He was scared of lots now. He jumped at the slightest things. At times, he'd stay still as he walked outside of his apartment, hoping for a car to collide with his body. 

One thing most can agree on, Kei Tsukishima was beautiful. Many admired the way his body fit into his clothes, how those long longs ran across the court as he played volleyball. Kei never understood it when people "hit" on him. He found nothing special about himself. There was nothing to be proud of, but others seemed to ignore that. They didn't see what Kei saw. They saw a beautiful, tall, athletic male who had a sort of shitty attitude. But Kei saw no one, he didn't know the person who stared back at him in the mirror. 

"My name is Kei Tsukishima, and I am twenty-one years old." 

"Good, Good. Now Kei, I'd like to start our very first session with a few questions, is that alright?"

"...yes."

A therapy session, a /therapist/ to be more precise. Kei wondered what he was doing there, in the cream-colored office of this so-called "Dr. Sawamura". Earlier that day Kei had told someone, for the first time, that he felt as if he needed help. And he hated the outcome. He felt as if the room were too bright for his eyes. Or his glasses were never too clean, he felt the urge to wipe them off again, or better yet- take them off. His eyes hurt. Kei was uncomfortable and he'd just went into the office. "Okay, let's begin." the man behind the desk says, starring at Kei with a small smile. Kei doesn't return it, instead, he shifts uncomfortably.

"What is your purpose for coming here?" Kei coughs, beginning to look around. "I.." He spots a picture behind the desk, two men holding each other as they kissed lovingly. One of them being the man known as Dr.Sawamura. "I think...there's something wrong with me," Kei says. "What do you mean?" Dr. Sawamura asks, reaching over to grab a pen and a small notebook. He begins to write down every word Kei speaks to him, Kei answering the questions the best he could. Most of them he doesn't even give a reaction to. At some point, Kei sat in the chair like Dr. Sawamura wasn't even here. "I..feel weird at times. I sometimes don't even know why I'm doing the things I do. I don't remember why I truly came here," he speaks softly. "Kei," Dr. Sawamura looks at him with a small smile, genuine, yet forced. "what more do you experience within these "feelings" of yours? Why do you think you're feeling them?" Kei sighs deeply, using his legs' knees as support for his head. "I don't know."

Their session ended an hour or so later. Kei remembers leaving the place with a return slip in his hands for the week afterward. He felt the same, not sure if the man was really helping him or not. Kei proceeded to walk to his apartment. The sun hitting Kei in all of the right spots, it showed how beautiful the male really was. He hasn't been outside for a very long time. Kei was afraid. Anything could happen to him out there, but at the same time...it wouldn't be so bad, right? As Kei opened the door to the place he called home, he started to wonder how hard a car would have to hit him before he dies. How long it would take, how far away the hospital is from his location... 

"I'm home..." Kei calls out to no one, entering the home tiredly. He sets the slip down onto the coffee table and continues to walk deeper into the place he called home. He turns on the radio next to his microwave, the song "Killing me Softly With His Song" playing. Kei hummed along as he leaned his head against the counter. The male felt hungry, yet sick at the same time. Kei had plenty of food, but he couldn't find himself to eat when he needed to. Kei takes out a small container of pudding and opens the lid. "Killing me softly, with his song.."

Kei sings along as he ate the pudding slowly. This was his every day. Why was I so alone, Kei wondered. "La-la-la, la, la, la" The song sang, Kei liked it, he liked it a lot. The beat, the melody...The woman's Office going perfect for everything. Kei hummed the rest of the song, now finished with his pudding. He throws the container away and walks to his room quietly. His limbs felt tired, and his stomach upset already. Kei gets into bed, grabbing his pillow and hugging it tightly. The tears came soon after. Kei never knew why he would very sometimes, but he felt the need to. The tears rolled down onto the pillow quite fast. Soon enough, Kei was sobbing. "Fuck.." He breathed out, clenching the material. He twists, and he turns. Kei didn't get comfortable. His throat burned as the tears continued to roll down the side of his face. Kei scratched his arm, his breathing becoming difficult. He felt lifeless.."Please-" The male begged as he cried. "..please" He sniffles, shaking ever so lightly. 

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

"Kei, I'm so glad you came back for another visit. Not many come back after their first session." Dr.Sawamura says, welcoming Kei as he had the first time. "Alright, I see you've made yourself comfortable." He points out. Kei was sitting as he had been the last time, his knees to his chest, and his head leaning on them. Kei keeps quiet, his eyes focusing on that same picture behind Dr. Sawamura's desk. The one with the two men, holding each other as they kissed. It was...Kei liked it, a lot. They looked as if they were truly in love with one another. How did it feel to be in love, Kei wanted to know. He wondered what sex between the two men was like if Dr. Sawamura was gentle with his lover or not. "Alright, today I want to get to know you better. How you view things... How certain things make you feel. " Dr. Sawamura places his notebook down onto his desk and smiles up at Kei, "I'm going to show you a few images and videos. What I want you to tell me, is how each of them makes you feel. Is that alright with you?" Kei shifts, the way Dr. Sawamura smiles...Kei liked it. The gesture making his heart pound with...well, he couldn't tell. Kei nods anyway, looking away from the man. 

The first image was of a building, and nothing more than that. The background was white. Nothing more, than that building. Kei stares at it for a while before diverting his attention to Dr. Sawamura. "I don't understand.." he says. Dr. Sawamura chuckles. "Tell me your thoughts on it-"

"But it's just a building. I don't see how that can solve anything here. it's just there. It has no meaning, no value. For all, I know it could be someones drawing. " Dr. Sawamura raises a brow at that, " And that makes you feel?" "Disturbed." Dr. Sawamura nods, a smile once more threw at Kei. "If there was anything you could change or add to this image, what would it be?" Kei takes a moment to really look at the image. Just a building... Kei has seen many buildings in his dreams. The buildings he'd always jump off of after standing there for a minute or two, and waking up right after his body connects with the pavement below it. Nut this building... there was nothing special about it. Nothing, no detail. It just sat there alone. "There's no sky, no cars... no people to notice it," Kei says, frowning at the building. "It's alone." He finishes. 

"Very good Kei. Now, what do you think about it after this?" Dr. Sawamura places another image on top, the same building, but with more detail. There was a sky, a street with cars... people. "What's so different about this one?" Dr. Sawamura holds the images up side by side. Kei bites his lip as he eyes them. The first image was just a building, with nothing with it or anything surrounding it. There was no one to see it for what it truly was. But the second image.."It isn't alone. But, no one is glancing at it. I-I don't get it, people are walking by it, cars driving by, but there's no one stopping to see It for what it is- what it holds inside?" Dr. Sawamura stares at Kei for a moment, "Would you say that you relate to this building Kei?" Kei stares back, his eyes getting lost in Dr. Sawamura's dark brown ones. "Yes, I think so." Kei whispers, "And how does that make you feel?" Dr. Sawamura leans forward. "It makes me feel a bit lonely." 

* * *

Sex. It was something Kei had experienced once before in his life. Sex was a weird way of expressing things, Kei always wondered, but he never really questioned it. He knew what it was, he knew what it felt like. He liked it as well, but this...this was something completely different from what he imagined. 

"I'm sorry, I just couldn't keep my hands to myself." He breathed down Kei's neck. Kei lets out a strangled breath as he held tight onto the male's shoulders. "You're married.." Kei whispers, tilting his head back onto the soft cushion of the office chair. "I know, but it's only once. I promise." He promised... That's what Kei believed. Kei trusted and went off of those words. He didn't see any doubt in them. "Dr. Sawamura-" Kei starts, "Please, call me Daichi." Daichi kisses Kei's collarbone lovingly, his hands exploring the beautiful skin he had to offer. He found Kei truly beautiful, and he knew helping him was something only he could do. And that's what he believed. Daichi felt it. He knew he wanted to help Kei and would do everything in his power to get it and bring it to him. "Kei..." He kisses his lips once more, the second time being even better than their first time- in his office. "You're beautiful." and tight, Daichi thought, almost feeling bad for his doings.

"Daichi-.. ha-" Kei could feel it. He felt every single thing, going in and out of his body repeatedly. It felt so good, his body was warm. For that moment in time, Kei didn't feel like that picture of the building. He felt as if there was someone, if even for a second- someone was there with him, Embracing his body for more than just its looks, right? Kei was a bit vocal, his sounds louder with each thrust Daichi gave, the male nearly losing his breath when he felt the brush against his core. "Close.."

Kei loved every bit of it. His body in pure pleasure. His cock practically dripping cum at the hard thrusts. He loved the way Daichi fucked him. Kei reaches down and grabs his leaking cock and stroking, he hisses from the contact. He was so..hard. It was erotic. Kei's body began to tremble with excitement. It's been so long since he's had to contact someone like this. "Fuck..I'm so-" Hah... Kei's body gives out. His back arching upward against Daichi's own, he was sure he had a red marking on his ass from the way Daichi's balls have slapped against him. The older male gasps, Kei's contractions strong and clenching his cock. His long...hard, thick, cock. Daichi cums deep inside of Kei, the male trembling at the hot semen filling his hole. 

Daichi made sure to clean up any and everything that would give their moment away. Kei stood awkwardly in his office, beginning to feel the guilt all over again. This man... who he'd met only a week ago- had sex with him. Not to mention the fact that he's married as well! Kei sighed watching Dr. Sawamura, Daichi, clean up their mess. "I'm sorry..." He whispers to him. Dr. Sawamura shakes his head, brushing the comment away. "You did nothing wrong, I won't touch you in such ways again. I'd never take it to the point where you're uncomfortable." Kei liked that, those words. He felt them be kind and trusting, something he had a hard time with. "You're married-"

"It won't happen again Kei. " and that was that. And Kei believed it, every single word. He believed it the next four sessions, and when Dr. Sawamura would take Kei to his home- he believed it then as well. 


	3. Chapter 3

"How do you feel about me, Kei?" It's been over a month now. Kei was suddenly in a closed relationship with his so-called therapist. Kei found it strange, he only saw things of such on television, but even then- those things came into light after hiding in the dark for so long. He looks up at Daichi and shrugs his shoulders. "Nothing's changed. I still feel the things I feel. The only thing I can say that's really changed is my trust in you." Kei looks away. Daichi sighs, running a hand through his wet, and dripping, hair. They had just got out of the shower after another one of their "sessions". Daichi leans down and grabs Kei by the chin gently, "You have no feelings for me?" He asks sadly. Kei felt terrible, or maybe it was just Daichi's expression getting to him. He sighs deeply, "I... I don't know okay? I don't understand myself half of the time-"

"Do you think I'm doing these things to you for no reason?" Daichi lets go of Kei's chin. Kei shakes his head, the feeling of that warm, sad, blanket wearing down on him. "No! O-Of course not! I just thought you were having sex with me- you're married Daichi..." Kei stands, wiping away the gathered tears, "I'll just go, Koshi-san should be getting off of work." Daichi wraps his arms around Kei's waist, leaning his face into his neck. "Don't go." He whispers. Shaking his head, Ki shoves him away. "No." He walks out the door, a bright light pointing right in his direction. What? Kei sees the silver hair and nearly loses his shit. Instead, he waves at the male and continued to walk out of their yard. The man left both confused and concerned, closes his car door and watches Kei walk away. 

* * *

It's quiet in his home...nothing has been touched or moved. Kei hasn't spent a full day in there in a whole month. " A month..." How could it have been so long? Kei felt so bad and disgusted in himself. Sniffling, the male takes off his clothes and throws them around angrily. "Fuck!" He yells, grabbing his hair in frustration. How was Daichi helping him? Kei still felt the things he felt. He felt even worse! Was he being used? All the lovely things Daichi had said to him- were they just lie?! Kei covers his mouth as he shakes his head. No. He wouldn't believe it. It wasn't true. _"How do you feel about me, Kei?"_ he heard his voice, ringing in his ears. Kei didn't know! He couldn't figure it out. Feel about him? What did that even mean! Kei cries as he hugged his naked body. At the end of the day, Kei knew he was alone. Like the picture of the building, and not one of the two men kissing. 

Kei gets into the shower soon afterward, ignoring the fact that he'd already taken one. The soap didn't feel like enough. Kei scrubbed his body, every inch of everything until his skin burned. He felt... used. Kei didn't like it! Nothing made sense anymore. _"How do you feel about me, Kei?"_ "I don't know..." He sobbed. Turning off the water, Kei stands in the shower alone, cold. _"Do you think I'm doing these things to you for no reason?"_ Kei shakes his head. " No- you aren't. I'm so sorry..." wiping at the tears, Kei steps out onto the soft rug of his bathroom. He grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. _"Don't go."_

There's a knock at the door. Kei freezes in confusion. Not even Daichi knew where he lived, though technically he did, and Kei refused to believe that fact. The knocking continues. "Who is it?" He asks, leaning against the door in terror. His blood ran cold, and he was scared- anxious. "My name is Koshi Sugawara, I saw you leave my home. I think.." Daichi's husband? Kei frowns, unlocking the door shakily. He peeks his head out and Koshi smiles with a slight nod. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to follow you. I was just confused. I haven't seen you before and panicked. " Kei nods. Koshi eyes him before noticing his lack of clothing. "Oh- I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something?" Kei quickly shakes his head. "No! I was just changing... come in?" Kei sprints to his room, throwing on some random clothes. "He's here... in my home." He whispers to himself. It was alright... Hr wouldn't hurt Kei, no... He couldn't do something of such violence. He didn't know Kei was their love affair.

"I'm his patient. He sees me sometimes when the office is full." Koshi was a confusing being. He didn't quite understand Kei either. He noticed the small things about him, from the way he began to fiddle with the end of his shirt, to the way he changed seating positions. Koshi thought it was quite cute, and concerning... "I see. Oh dear, this is so rude of me. God, I feel like a stalker." Koshi says, making Kei chuckle. "No, it's fine- really. You were curious, can't stop you there." Kei looks up at him, Koshi smiling. "Well, if you ever need anything- you know where I live!" He stands and extends his hand out to Kei. "I used to work in the same department as Daichi, but now I work in sex therapy. So please, if there's ever anything involving that topic that you're unsure about, just stop by the house!" Kei grabs his hand, nodding. "..Thank you. You're both very kind." 

"I do what I can, and besides-" Koshi opens the door, a small smirk upon his lips. "Daichi never brings home a patient, so I'm assuming you're quite the special one, yeah?" 

Koishi gives Kei one last glance, "I'll see you around, Kei." 


	4. Chapter 4

"We've been seeing each other for quite some time now." Another session, but normal. Kei refrained from telling Daichi about Koshi coming to his home. To him, it wasn't Daichi's business. "How would you say you've changed? From the moment you stepped into my office, til now?" It had been another week for Kei, he didn't know how he felt about it all. Was he changing? Was something changing around him, his life, or the people that surrounded that life? Kei couldn't say, so he didn't answer Daichi's question. 

Instead, Kei glanced behind Daichi's desk, his eyes staring at the frame that once held the picture of the two men kissing one another. "Where is it..." He gasps, quietly muttering. Daichi raises a brow, "Pardon?" Kei frowns as he stands, his hands shaking lightly. "The picture- of you and Koishi-san!" Kei reaches and grabs the frame. "Where did it go? What'd you do with it?!" He sniffles. 

"Kei... You're feeling for the image of me and my husband. Your tears, the way your hands shake. Every time you step into my office, your eyes attach to the picture and do not look away. " Daichi reaches over and takes the frame back, "It's holding you back, refraining you from answering to me. You turn to it when you're nervous, anxious... when you're scared or sad," he whispers. "when you have no words to say to me. You're holding back more than you realize. I want to help you, truly."

"By sleeping with me? You're married."

Daichi chuckles at that, his thumb finding its way to Kei's lips, parting them. "You remind me every time, but don't you think I know that fact? I too am a human, Kei. I have felt as well as you have. The urges, doing things that I knew would be a disgrace to myself and my family." Kei looks at the male, his eyes glistening with tears. "I want you to move forward and get the help you deserve. That picture will no longer block your path." Daichi lets go of Kei, sitting back in his seat. Calmly he looks back over at him. "Now, I'm going to ask you this question again." 

"How would you say you've changed from the moment you stepped into my office up until now?"

Everything was moving so fast now, Kei thought. That didn't make him feel any better either. Kei started to have regrets, about everything. From the moment Kei stepped into that office, something outrageous was bound to happen. And now? Kei was caught up in an affair and overstepping patient privileges! None of it was right. He wanted help, not this. Kei felt the sudden regret, it weighed onto him heavily. He hugged his arms tightly as he stood at the entrance of the treatment building. Kei never noticed how tall it was until now... His mind began to wonder, how long it would take something to fall from the rooftop. How his body would sound as it came in contact with the pavement. 

Who would care about him afterward anyway right? Kei was, and is, no one. He didn't have anyone either. They all threw him away- no... Kei left them. The fear of them seeing Kei in such a state was something he didn't want. He had to leave, no one wanted to help him- but what was the problem? Kei shuddered at the thought. What was wrong with him... Why was he like this? What was his problem!? Kei turns away from the building, speed walking from it. " I can't..." Kei covers his mouth as the tears came once again. "Fuck" He shuts his eyes tightly, gripping onto his arm. Kei began to scratch.

* * *

_"Do you see him?"_

_"Look-! He's bleeding."_

_"Shouldn't someone call a doctor?"_

_"Is he alright?"_

_"excuse me- sir? are you alright? Si- Sir!"_

It felt good... so good. The heavy substance dripping down Kei's arm felt lovely. His beautiful skin, torn by his own fingernails. Kei shuddered, almost falling limp. The people watched him walk away from them. Kei wobbled with every step he took. Panting lightly, Kei touches his arm with shaky fingers. The blood was warm... He stares at his coated hand in shock. Was this his way to go? Was Kei ready to see fate? No... He just wanted to feel the pain. To punish himself for the things he's caused so far. He knew he was going to mess up Dr. Sawamura's marriage, he knew Koshi wasn't just at his home to chat. Kei was a mess-making thing, and being harder on himself. It was his fault- going to be his fault. Should he tell them both? No... Too risky. Kei sniffled, reaching up to tug at his hair. "Fuck...Fuck." he breathes shakily, the blood dripping down onto his hair and face. 

What is wrong with me?! Kei thought. This was outrageous! Kei sniffles again as he tried to wipe the blood from his face, only smearing it more. 

"Excuse me, sir?" Kei turns to the voice, so may voices... "My name is Tetsurou Kuroo. I'm a doctor if you'd please let me help you..." That voice, both calming and soothing. Kei liked it a bit, not a lot. A doctor? So many professional people in Kei's life- it hurt. "Doctor?" Kei falls right into the man's arms. He cries in them, wondering what was so wrong with him. "It'll be alright.." He heard the man's soothing voice. 

_"I need an ambulance immediately, he's loosing a lot of blood-!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter was a bit short so please forgive me. I'll try to upload more!


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